Random Photography || New Instagram

So, I've been doing lots of photography recently so I thought I'd post a few on my blog. =)

(Credit to my sister for modeling)

~~

And then today I was procrastinating from doing school and I was like, Hey I should take random pictures of liquid and a cup. XD

Also, I made a new Instagram page for my photography, so you can go check that out by clicking HERE.

~Ry

Ryrant #2 || More about music

Okay, so I know my last Ryrant was about music too, but I've been so obsessed with music in general for the past few weeks.

--

Okay so for my new overall favorite artist it would have to be Oh Wonder.

Oh my gosh guys.

Their music is so nostalgic. 

And beautiful.

It hurts so much to listen to but its worth it because its amazing.

And my current favorite songs that are on constant repeat are:

All we do - Oh Wonder

Shark - Oh Wonder

Coloring - Kevin Garrett

Dream - Imagine Dragons 

What is your current favorite song?

--

Rylee

What's Keeping Me Alive?

What's keeping me alive? What's the point of me living?

Where is my happiness?

What am I suppose to do?

Why do I fail at everything I do?

Why, no matter what I try, can't I be happy?

Why am I depressed?

Why do I hate myself?

Why do I hate my existence?

Why do I feel there is no point to live?

Why am I still keeping myself alive?

These are questions I ask myself a thousand times everyday.

And I try, and try to find an answer.

But I can't find one. 

~

I dont know. I don't have an answer to any of these questions. Not even one.

The only thing I can tell myself is this.

There has to be hope. There has to be something out there that can make me happy. 

There has to be a reason I'm alive, and there has be to a reason I am keeping myself alive. 

~Ry

If I really am suppose to exist, why dose the whole world work against me to get ride of me?

Shut Up || I Would Change My Personality

Shut Up

|| These are lyrics that I wrote, and that I own. Don't steal or copy ||

I wish I could redo my life

Erase everything and do it twice

I've made myself look foolish in your eyes and now I have to pay the price

If I could just get myself to shut up

and wouldn't have done half the things I have

And looked around at someone else instead of myself, It wouldn't have to be like this

I wish I could change it all

What I'm like and blend into the crowd

I would change my voice, my heart, my personality 

And for once be invisible 

People tell me that people tell them not to tell me what they say

But they tell me that everyone tells them, that no one knows what to think about me

If I could just get myself to shut up

and wouldn't have done half the things I have

And looked around at someone else instead of myself, It wouldn't have to be like this

I wish I could change it all

What I'm like and blend into the crowd

I would change my voice, my heart, my personality 

And for once be invisible 

Why Do I care so much about you?

Why do I worry so much for you?

Why can't I just leave you be?

Its better for you and better for me

If I could just get myself to shut up

and wouldn't have done half the things I have

And looked around at someone else instead of myself, It wouldn't have to be like this

I wish I could change it all

What I'm like and blend into the crowd

I would change my voice, my heart, my personality 

And for once be invisible 

~~

Why can't I get myself to shut up? For once in my life why can't I just listen to someone else?

Hope you enjoyed reading some of my song lyrics.

Please don't copy or use these lyrics without permission.

~Ry

Ryrant #1 || Current Music Obsessions

Alright, welcome to the first of a new series that will hopefully last a while, haha.

*Ehem* I'm calling this series, "Ryrant".

Here's the backstory to that name cause your probable all asking.

Its pretty obvious actually.

Rylee.

Rant.

BOOM.

And now you have a Ryrant.

 (Also it could be "Rylee" and "Tyrant" cause, that would fit too...)

I'm just pretty much gonna be ranting and talking about my personal life, new likes and interests.

~

Okay so today its my new music obsessions cause, thats always the best. XD

Twenty One Pilots.

Their music is seriously addicting.

I've actually been liking them for a few months now so, yeah you should go listen to them!

ALSO, they are pretty awesome. (as you can see XD)^^^^

Imagine Dragons.

*Whoops* So much talent. 

Haha, their music is so addicting too, especially their new Album, Smoke and Mirrors.

(Go listen to "Gold" and "I'm so sorry" by them)

Taylor Swift.

Okay, yeah I hated her too. Until her new album.

And I really tried to not like her, but It didn't work cause her new album is so amazing. XD

But, she's pretty great.

Justin Bieber.

Okay, I feel like I should apologize for this one cause, I tried even harder to hate his new album then T-swizzles, but failed.

His new songs though....I honestly don't know how you could hate them.

Let me know who some of your current favorite Artists are so I can go listen to them!

~Ry 

When Memories Hurt

When Memories hurt

|| Warning: This is a big long page of unneeded comments and remarks about memories that hurt, so read at your own risk || 

When I was young I had an amazing life. I could easily say that ages 6-10 were the best years of my life so far. I have so many good memories of friends, Family, and hanging out with my old bestie.

But somewhere along the road of perfect happiness that comes with youth, you have to wake up to reality.

Its like your running down a road. The trees are gently waving in the breeze.

You've been running for a long time now. Your whole life. But your still not out of breath.

Your running toward a castle made of clouds. All your hopes and dreams of a good life are in that castle. You've never questioned it before.

The sun is casting a golden light onto the world around you and the sky is a light pink with a musky purple lining. Everything seems perfect.

But then as the years pass, you start to slow down.

You start to run out of breath. As you stop running, and begin jogging, your able to look around more than you have before. 

Everything looks perfect. Too perfect.

You eventually come to a complete stop after a few years.

You look ahead at your castle, and it slowly begins to move farther in the distance.

You start running as fast as you can toward it.

But the faster you run, the more you run out of breath. 

As you run it continues to get father and farther away until it disappears all together.

You turn around and realize that you haven't moved. Your still in the same place you started when you were a child. But you were too caught up in your dreams to notice.

The breeze dies down and the golden, shimmering light slowly diminishes. 

Then the whole world that you've known all your life, turns green.

You finally wake up.

The whole time you thought everything was perfect, you were in a green screen.

And now you have to face the real world.

Yep, the life of a child. I miss not having a care.

I went though a stage of depression when I was 11-12.

Those memories are pretty blurry, but from what I can remember, they are tough times.

When I finally got though that stage I didn't have any real friends, so though ages 12-13, I was friendless.

Looking back 12-13 was pretty lonely, but at the time I didn't really know any different so I didn't care that much.

Now Ages 13-though where I am now are the hardest to remember without pain crawling into my heart.

When I was thirteen I still didn't have any friends (except online).

Which at the time, I was completely fine with.

I thought everything was gonna be fine.

But then something painful, and shocking happened in my family. 

And This wasn't the,"only for a few days"or " only a month" kind of pain.

This was pain that had to last a year. 

Not counting recovery time.

After that year was up, I had to stop blogging.

 I Threw myself into depression locked my doors to everyone and everything.

The only thing I let creep past my door was self pity, pride, Depression and music.

I've moved on in my life, which is good, but there's something that still drags me back to those days and makes me re-feel the pain that I felt.

Music.

I still have the songs on my phone that I had on repeat, that I would play, laying in my bed with the shades closed.

I stopped listening to them right after I moved on from that stage.

It had been months sense I had listened to them again.

actually, almost a year.

Not too long ago I decided to listen to all of them again.

Talk about the fire and the flood.

It brought all the pain, anger, hurt, and depression back on me that I had worked so hard to get rid of.

Was it worth the pain to just listen to a song?

To remember?

If you've read this far without skipping anything, Kudos to you, haha.

But I swear I have a point to saying all this, just hang in there.

I have certain scrap books, pictures, songs, celebrities, fandoms, etc. that all bring back extremely painful memories.

But I've learned something.

You can't run from pain. You can't hide from it. Life hurts and you can do whatever the heck you want to try to avoid the sadness and sorrow of life but it wont work.

Life is just depressing and sad. And so is the world. You can't avoid this no matter how hard you try.

I've learned that even though it hurts, waking up those memories that hurt, That make you cry all over again, is important.

I've gone though some tough stuff that I hate remembering, but what is shoving it down gonna do?

The more you avoid pain now, the harder its gonna hit you later down the road.

So the point to this annoying rambling: Don't avoid pain. Because hurting is what is gonna heal you in the long run.

And even if it hurts, let the pain take its time to work in your life.

Or if its happened in the past, wake it back up sometimes, cause it will help you heal and move on.

Memories hurt. But don't ignore them. Don't ignore the pain.

And I promise, the bad stage in your life will pass, and you'll be happy again. 

Alright, haha that was all probable extremely annoying but Just some thoughts I needed to get out.

Hope you all had a good Sunday. =)

~Ry

I've changed, but I'm back!

Hello to the blogging world again.

You cant imagine how weird this is to be back on my blog.

I just checked on many of the blogs I've been following and Gosh, you guys have changed to much.

Not like I haven't haha, I feel kind of bad for you guys that you'll have to put up with me again. XD

But I'm back. And hopefully, back to stay.

Its been 10 months sense I left.

I left February 13th, 2015

And I cant tell you how long and hard the first few months were for me.

So I'm gonna try to fill you in on what has happened in my life and what has changed.

Okay. Lets start the day after I left.

~

I hated life, I hated myself, I hated my family. I hated everything.

I fell into super deep depression. I locked my door, left the light off, closed my shades and laid on my bed and stared at the wall for 30 days.

Why had this happened to me? Why was I so miserable? Why would my parents do this to me?

Where were all my friends? Oh, they were all still blogging.

Where was my life? On my computer.

Where was my happiness? in hell.

Everything in my life revolved around my blog. Even my happiness.

So when it got taken away, I had nothing to live for. 

No reason to keep going and pushing though life.

After a month of depression, My parents finally agreed to let me do a sport.

And obviously, I chose gymnastics.

I'd been teaching myself for a few years.

So I started taking a beginner class once a week. I started becoming happier the more I did gymnastics.

I took that beginner class for a few months and I loved it. 

So when my beginner couch told me that her coach told her that she wanted me to compeat on their high school team, I was so excited.

So I started going twice a week for longer training times.

It was going good. 

Except for one thing. 

My coach.

At first she didn't bother me. She was just a little strict.

But the more I went, she started yelling and me, and actually being mean.

She would push me too hard in ways that I physically couldn't.

Messing up wasn't a option.

I was holding on to the last thread about 5 months ago when I was at my last class.

I did something wrong and hurt myself.

She yelled at me and told me to do 100 pushups.

I went out of the gym into the bathroom and cried.

I wasn't an emotional person, and I'm still not, but I hated this.

I walked back into the gym to do my 100 push ups, and this is what my coach says.

"You do not leave this gym. You cant just go out and cry. You're either on this team, or your not!"

She yelled this at me.
That was the last thread.
The only reason I was still there was because I had loved gymnastics so much, and I didn't want to let my stupid coach ruin it.
But she did.

I wanted to scream in her face and tell her I hated her. That she had no right to tell me that.

That I was done putting up with her. 

And I would have to if I had had a phone to call my mom so she could bring me home.

But I didn't at this time.

So I bit my tongue and between clinched teeth told her I was "on her team".

I quite that night.

I had it sort of rough for a while after that.

Because blogging is what made me happy.

So when I was forced to leave. I was depressed.

Gymnastics made me happy. 

So when I was being pushed so hard that I was terrified to go to practice everyday. My happiness drained again.

I didn't have any close friends in real life.

And when your depressed, the best thing to have is friends who care about you.

I knew I had them online, but I was stuck in the real world with no one who cared.

I'm not quite sure when I started becoming happy again, but I'm pretty sure it was when I started making friends.

I realized that even though my online friends were important, that you need people in real life too.

But, I still wasn't completely happy.

One day I was texting a friend. He told me that I was super loud, and that I had scared this guy that I had liked away from me because I act.
Now I had asked this friend to tell me what he honestly thought, so done think he was being mean to me.

That hit me to hard though.

I fell on my face in my bedroom and bawled and screamed because I hated who I was.

People hated who I was. How I acted, My personality. And so did I.

I couldn't take who I was anymore.

Something happened that night.

It didn't happen fast, but it happened. And, its still happening.

I felt true happiness for the first time in years.

It wasn't the kind you have for a minute then it fades but into depression.

This was genuine happiness.

Now I'm not saying that I'm completely happy, Because I'm not.

I struggle a lot still with depression.

But I've realized something.

When I felt like I had no purpose to live, There was something I was missing.

I was missing hope.

If you don't have something that brings you true happiness, something that keeps you going in the end, you have nothing to live for.

If your happiness is in this moment and depends on others than your gonna be miserable.

I've changed a lot, Haha, and you will all find out shortly.

But I'm proud of who I'm becoming and who I am.

And the happiness I have is un-replaceable and priceless.

~

SO

I'm back!! 

And I couldn't be happier.

Thank you to all the people who, even after I left, still came back and commented on my goodbye post telling me that they hadn't forgotten me.

That was the best thing to come back too.

I'm so excited to be able to talk with you all again cause its been....Haha way to long. ^-^

One more thing, 

My parents had told me that I could post a picture of myself before I left. 

But I didn't because I was scared of what people would think.

But I decided that now would be a good time to post some. XD

And currently I'm 14 and a half.

I'm posting this on both my both my blogs, just so you know. =)

Love you all so much!

I'll try to get some posts up soon!! ♥ 


~Ry